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"Un**** Yourself"

Well, that sentence just slapped on your face with denial of your unhappiness: "yea, sure, I never dimmed my f*ck*n shine out, I still have hopes. Dude, I'm still young, come on!" *insecure* *think back* *sigh, tired* *opened Facebook and then cry*

One fine day, back in the days when I was in university studying Interior Architecture, one lecturer tell us about a very deep song: "...John Mayer was making this song while he's in his mid-twenties. He was having a crisis."

That, was the very first time I've found out that age crisis doesn't only happened for the middle-aged people. It is also happened for the twenties people. Yeah, read-me! That quote somehow summed up my life recently. I was totally in very dark space when I dropped out from a life that I have build so hard to get on top, and unfortunately, I backed down.

I remember back when was so into my work and so damned good at what I love (I am not bragging, I just feel like damned good for the sake of my confident feeling). It was when I hit back in my university years. My friends are like sisters and brothers, we share sorrow and happiness together to get through the assignments. Thank God we are bounded like a sorority kind of thing. But, then things change as you grew older by each semester. Yeah, every ONE has been there. Some were changing lane, some were flaking, some were hanging on, but couldn't bare anymore, some were so confident that they could be the-happening-shining-bright star alumni after graduation, some were just being good but not-so-good enough, some....were just insecure.

Some are just like me. And I don't even know what I will categorized myself.

Late 2014 to 2015 had been a fucked up kind of year for me. I felt the freedom running through my hands and feet, yet I feel so lonely and unsatisfied and...pushed to the corner. I have plans I wanted to take but keep failing each time I want to do it. 2015 has been a year of devastation and depression and...I don't want to keep going but, the point is....It was the year of LEARNING.

Still learning, until now.

What I learned is... you gotta be a Salmon.

A Salmon fish has big sacrifices to go to the ocean by pushing themselves to cross the mainstream. They are the non-mainstream-er. (Dictionary, anyone??) They swim so hard across the river by jumping to the small waterfall, it means, they have to jump from the lower to the upper level of the small waterfall (that is so hard to do, ckck). Two things that can happen:
1. It will succeed and continue their journey to the ocean
2. OR, they will be eaten by bears.

Why they have to go to the ocean? For the female fish, they got to lay their eggs so that their children can grow and continue the life cycle. Salmon has been called a "super-fish" because they can live from fresh waters to salt waters; from river to the ocean. They are unstoppable because they have a long journey towards the end, and start again. Some of them which are not quite strong enough to handle the heavy streamline of the river, end up dead in the river. Some of who are succeed, it means they have completed their life-cycle. But, that is not over. They have to feed themselves to get stronger. If they managed to survive, they gotta start from ground zero, which is the river, to spawn.

(what's around the riverbeeenddd~~ waiting just around the riverbeenddd~~ I look once moooore~~ -Pocahontas' Soundtrack OR Salmon-Back-To-The-River soundtrack)

For those kelts or adult salmon who are toooo tired (or caught by Humans), they goes to heaven and leave a satisfied salmon-ish smile.

Go checked out the complete life cycle:

Salmon is a fish that has huge tenacity and spirit. In order to live they have to struggle hard. When I saw their story on Nat Geo Channel, I got chills. Incredible and down to earth. Their struggle is worth my money (to buy sushi or a big chunked of salmon). And of course, it is a story to be learned.
To be in your twenties, some of us are not getting what they have expected. They got smashed on their face, pulled bodies from the ground, even they got bloody noses to be who they wanna be. And its super OK for me, even I really want to experience those bloody feeling of wrestling with anything that I love.

In fact, I didn't. I was super sure that I was at the right place at the right time. Disney's princess movies are some ways bullshit and selling unnecessary dramas to reach your dreams. I got trapped by the word 'dreams.' I am a silly naive girl who grew up watching the beauty of Disney's Movies and discover that is not that easy to reach your dream: absolutely not by sitting and wait for prince charming's rescue.
Dream is a game of gain and effort. I was learning in a field that I was pretty much sure can be successful in it. But then, I realized that there are many uncovered variables that I don't want to involve in it at all. So I gained things, but...I puked my way out (not that bad actually).

Soon, I realize, that is not what I want. This is not the right place. 

With knowledge and skills that I have, I knew that I have options to be happy and proud. I am already at 'good' level at few stages of interior designing by learning all that shitty stuff I've gone through.
I moved on with millions of questions in my head without my friends telling me what to do. I am so lost. Although, in that lost process, I have found some sparks of ideas that can be real someday. After a few months, I was ready to rumble again. So, I picked the unfamiliar place to grow, to shaped, to uncover another mysteries, to create something that I am proud and happy (or, so I thought). And then I give it a try!

Now, it has been nearly 6 months I have involved in the writing world. Yes, writing. Let's go down to memory lane:

  • I started writing when I was.....8 years old, I think? At 11, I remember, I wrote about a romance of a vampire with a human. I am not sure, what I wrote. But my fascination of books started when Harry Potter hits the store. English version, by publisher called Scholastic. I was so confused whether I picked Scholastic of Bloomsbury publishing. I knew at that age that the difference is on the language; American and British Language (is it right? CMIIW). From book one to four I BEGGED my mom to buy me Bloomsbury publishing. She just kept bargain me to buy just one book per month, but I said..."nooo please mom, pleaseee...". I was reluctant to save money because it would've take time! Eventually, she allowed me to buy the whole 1 packed of Harry Potter, 4 books!! I was SUPER happy. And then, I brought HP and The Chamber of Secrets to my 5th year elementary school in Jakarta. They mocked me. I was officially a geek for the rest of my elementary school. 

  • I started drawing when I was....well, much younger than I discover writing. And always, everyday....drawing silly things like...dresses, princesses, magazine accessories, models, dresses, mermaids, eyes, lips, bodies and dresses. I was obsessed with mermaids and dresses. I decided, naively, to be a fashion designer one day. I am good at drawing, my crush in junior high is also good at drawing (I hope he finds my blog hihi). So, whenever there was a drawing class, I just soooo excited to looked up what he drew. And he also looked at mine too *happy* (okay, out of focus). Basically, when I draw something, I felt free, unchained and so into myself. It is something that I've created from my imagination, no one is telling me to draw houses with windows and mountains with sunny sky. It's my mind, and I threw it from my hands. 

Back again. These past months has been somewhat bizarre. I have the authority that I've always wanted, but at the same time, I was so emotional and kept being angry. It's a part of growing up, being an adult with full responsibility and also multitasking without working late until 12 AM (like I used to). Dealing with people, talk to them, write about poetic of spaces, architecture, design, coming to different spaces and I literally experiencing the mind and body senses within the spaces. Beside that, the most important is: managing stubborn, egotistical, inexperience people and myself. I feel useful in this place because I made a huge difference. Even I am not being appreciated straight forward, I think the increasing selling statistics can show me on my face that I did that. I am happy actually, I am satisfied because I take full responsibility and freedom while writing articles, also managing them. 

I don't know what I am and what I can do. Emilie Wapnick made a talk at TED: 'Why Some Of Us Don't Have One True Calling?' It make me realize and helped me a little from questioning myself: that a person has their choice to be a multipotentialite. Multipotentialite is... someone who has more than one obsession in their life. They tend to do one thing after another in terms of curiosity and aiming goal. Curious? Click below!

What these all got to do with Salmon? I am still searching of one or few things that can make me go crazy and obsessed like Salmon. I want to feel that obsession when I designed spaces back in school. I want to feel that obsession while I was writing about my thesis. I obsessed at getting to know one thing to another and dig down deep and doesn't care if anyone doesn't agree with my way. (Unless, I don't make money, of course, y'll kidding meh?) 
Before I wrote this blog, I don't realize how much I have learned to be positive and already make my way towards something good. Even I don't know what, how and when I become a Salmon again in work-life, I believe that...when the time is right, I know who I am and I know I'll be shinin' like a fucking Hollywood star (not literally). 


Here are some motivational pictures, I've found on a website. 

P.S: like I always wrote at the end of my blog: I am sorry for my bad grammar. Hope you guys stop judging me :)


  1. I feel you mbakaarrr hahahaa mbakarr aku merasa lagi kesasar Xp
    mbakarr blogmu aku taro di list blog aku yaa~

    1. AMEEEE. masa sih lagi merasa kesasar. glad this blog can relate to our current happenings. haha. makasihhhh banget ameee. btw, aku juga sering liat blog kamu. very inspiring! keep writing!


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