I have this mind that talks too much at night and get silent when I reach out in the morning. Some people deal with that everyday. They get really deep at night and have this wild imagination scrambling across their pillow. They have this lucid dream, and when they wake up, their energy was drained. Insecurities about their future mostly landed at night, but at the same time, best ideas comes when they reach their beds, tuck their pillow, hoping to have a good night sleep, but ended up looking at the ceiling with eyes wide open.
Those things, happened to me. In my experience, night time is when my brain is fully awake, but my body feels like shit. I am not a morning person. When I woke up, I feel like shit all over again. It started when I was probably (yes, probably) reach my university years. I moved out from my house and rent a room near my university and started a life which was free and exciting. Studying architecture was the most challenging and exciting which brought me to a nocturnal life: staying up late until 3-4 or even 5 or 6 in the morning. But, now, I ditched that kind of lyfestyle and since I worked in a corporate, my life seemed more neat (not really).
One year when I bring Kertasbykarls to life, I feel like 24 hours my mind won't shut up. Everything started when I opened up my eyes and start to think about what kind of work I'll be doing every single day. Nobody tells me what to do any longer. That job is now belong to me, and I have to tell people what to do too. Responsibility is now mine. But, it came with a price: my non-stop mind-talks and shattering schedule. I just wish I have a huge compartment in my mind and stack 'em neatly, but I can't. I mean, I should have the will to 'create' it, "let's us create the compartment of mind!".
I have tried to create a bunker, with a racks full of read boxes and grey boxes in a glass see-through wall. The red ones are tasks and the grey boxes are something to think later. The red boxes written: Kertasbykarls, are the ones that I frequently open every night. I tried to pack it up, close it down. And then, I locked the glass door with pin security. It might work, I thought. But, then I didn't realize I was back again inside the glass bunker. Shit.
It didn't work.
Then, I just let it go. Let all the thoughts flow through me and I give myself a calming pep talk:
"Everything will be alright, will be fine, let us see tomorrow, don't rush things. Let the present be mine, say prayers and fall asleep, think about nice cute things like my furry ungrateful dogs. Think about how much they annoyed you. Think about how they stare you with their cute eyeballs. How they greet you when you came and how they asking for food."
So...practically, my dogs are my cure to my mind-talks at night.
I fall asleep after that.
My mind still running like it always been. But, after I figure how to handle problems and emotions, I started to feel like a normal person. But, sometimes it comes up to me again. Its natural, normal and it is okay. We just have to find the outlet to unleash our disturbing thoughts. It is our rights to live as a human being.
After I wrote this, I am grateful. Grateful to have a blog, to have an internet access, to have wiFi, so that I can write down my annoying thoughts. And also grateful to share my thoughts with unknown readers.
I am grateful, and you should too. :)